Pink: Its the new black. Hey, even the Bride in Kill Bill wore bright yellow!
This is for my officemate who is a good friend. She's a sweet girl but can become a nasty beyotch once you piss her off.
Beware of Shei, the pink ninja.
Let's reminisce a little. This is way back 20 years ago. I was around 12 years old.
There is this fruit called the Chico (I mean a real fruit that grows on trees and not a gay Mexican named Chico) we have at our backyard. The fruit bats love them so we don’t eat them for fear that we may end up getting rabies. So the fruit end up rotting in the tree, on our roof and on our backyard.
The Chico is brown in color and has a sweet smell. However a flattened overripe fruit looks like shit. So when the overripe fruit fell from trees our backyard looks like it’s strewn with shit.
Every summer my dad would make us collect all the fruit, which fell on our roof to prevent them from rotting there and poking holes in our corrugated sheet roof. I hate doing that not for anything other than it’s a chore.
One summer, four of my friends and I were just loafing around at home when my dad ordered me to pick up the shit-fruit from our roof. I was really pissed off but my friends were somehow excited to do the errand. So we climbed up the tree to the roof with plastic bags in hand and started picking the fallen fruits. We were almost done when a friend noticed the similarity between the crushed fruit and shit. One was thrown splat to a wall and it really looked like shit.
Then one friend threw a fruit from our roof on to Main Street (our house is just two houses away from the main street) while shouting "umuulan ng tae, umuulan ng tae" (its raining shit, its raining shit). We laughed like crazy. My other friend went down to see how the fruit looked like splattered on the street. He came back very excited saying that it looked like real shit and that he even overheard one kid saying that someone must’ve shat from an airplane. This encouraged us and we started throwing the shit looking fruit on to Main Street with a ferocious intensity. And it rained shit. We heard people shouting “putangina, umuulan ng tae” (sonofabitch! It’s raining shit). We were laughing uncontrollably when someone realized where the hail of “shit” was coming from.
A guy named Paco, who is manning the counter at a store directly hit by the shit hail, went up the roof of the store and saw us lobbing the fruit. He screamed at us “mga tangina kayong mga bata kayo! Gugulpihin ko kayo!” (you fuckards, I will go there and beat the shits out’ta you). That scared us like hell. You see, Paco isn’t just a storekeeper he is also a part time boxer. He is big, hairy, ugly sonofabitch who is known to really bloody up anyone who mess with him. That scared the bejesus out of us. So we scrambled. We were out of the roof in record time. Its like we fucking evaporated.
I don’t even remember how I got off the roof. All I remember is that I was running like hell. Then I found myself at the church entrance. Now it has dawned on me that not only I am at risk of being beaten to a pulp by a man-gorilla I also face being grounded by my dad. With nowhere else to go I went inside the church. I sat in one of the pews and prayed to the crucified, bleeding, agonizing form of Jesus. I prayed that if I ever get out of this one that I will serve the church. That was probably the most fervent prayer that I ever done in my whole life. And somehow, someone listened.
When it was already a bit dark I went home ready to receive a good whopping. However, when I arrived at our house there was no mention of the incident. It’s a friggin’ miracle. I was never grounded nor was I beaten to the edge of my life by Paco the ugly, hairy boxer. Then I remembered my promise at church and thought “oh shit, I sold my soul to Jesus”. So that next Sunday I signed up as an altar boy.
I wish it was this easy to convince auditees then life at the office would be much easier (except for the occasional body disposal).
Being an auditor is not easy. We are often reviled by other departments because of the nature of our work. They say that we are soldiers who arrive after the fighting has finished then we bayonet all the wounded. But that is the old school type of auditing. The new breed of auditors have a different approach. I will discuss this approach in my next posts.
I'm sure a lot of you have heard the Sesame Street song "Who Are The People in Your Neighborhood." Well this is my take of that song in the cubicle farm (office) setting.
We are bound to have various characters and personalities present in our work place. Whether we like it or not we are forced to mingle with them. A lot are easy to get along with but there are those that are, let us say, challenging to even talk to.
I will try to make a list of these types of people to better understand them. But let me warn you, these are my own personal opinions so its up to you whether you'll take this seriously.
1. The EMO Freak – these freaks are sprouting everywhere. They often trip and fall down because they can’t see where their walking (cut the dang hair, idjit). They love to open fresh bond paper because there’s a tendency that they’ll get paper cut. They try to look brooding and tries to keep to themselves (except when there’s free food).
2. The Chunk A Hunk – I’m sure there’s one in your office. Works out 3-5 times a week. Always carry a sports bag. Very helpful when a job requires some lifting (can’t wait to flex those muscles). Wears clothes as close to the skin as possible (body hugging long sleeved shirts). Hair is held pat by hair gel (or is that elmer’s glue). Brain is often inversely proportion to muscle mass. Some turns out to be gay.
3. The Player – Thinks his Casanova. Flirts even with the janitress. Will shag a duck. Leers at all women. Wears shirt with the top two, or sometimes three, buttons open. Is a candidate for sexual harassment.
4. The Coffee Drinker – Always walks briskly like he’s running in a marathon. Has an ever present coffee mug on table. Goes faster up using the stairs than using the elevator. Cries when the coffee machine breaks down.
5. Teh Geek – Very seldom speaks, Emails and IM instead. Has a PC that talks back when spoken to. Has the weirdest looking desktop in the office. The worst ones talk in binary.
6. The A$$ Kisser – Need more be said. (Note the guys lips are ready to fire a huge suck up move).
